Understanding Attachment INJURIES & RELATIONAL TRAUMAS
We often think of trauma as a single, catastrophic event. However, some of the deepest wounds we carry aren’t caused by what did happen, but by what didn’t happen in our most vital relationships. These are known as attachment injuries and relational traumas.
What is an Attachment Injury?
An attachment injury occurs when one person in a relationship relies on the other for support during a moment of high vulnerability, but the other person fails to respond. This “betrayal of trust” creates a rupture that, if left unaddressed, can freeze the relationship in a state of insecurity.
Key Characteristics:
- The “Never Again” Effect: The injured partner may decide it is no longer safe to be vulnerable.
- Emotional Flashbacks: Current conflicts may trigger the same intense pain felt during the original injury.
- A Cycle of Distrust: Even if the offending partner apologizes, the “injured” party may struggle to believe it, leading to a cycle of pursuit and withdrawal.
Defining Relational Trauma
While an attachment injury is often a specific event, relational trauma is typically a chronic pattern. It is the result of consistent emotional neglect, abuse, or unpredictable behavior from a primary caregiver or partner.
The Impact on the Nervous System
When we experience relational trauma, our “internal compass” for safety is recalibrated. We may find ourselves stuck in specific survival states:
| State | Common Behaviors |
| Fight | Irritability, controlling behavior, high reactivity. |
| Flight | Workaholism, perfectionism, avoiding intimacy. |
| Freeze | Numbness, “spacing out,” indecision. |
| Fawn | People-pleasing, lack of boundaries, self-abandonment. |
The Path to Healing
Healing from these wounds isn’t about “getting over it”—it’s about re-patterning. Because these injuries happened in a relationship, they are best healed through a relationship (whether with a therapist, a safe partner, or a supportive community).
HOW CAN WE HELP YOU?
Our dedicated team is committed to supporting clients and their families throughout their therapeutic journey.